“Children do learn what they live. Then they grow up to live what they've learned.”

Dorothy Nolte

Imagine yourself as a child, between the ages of 3-6, and think back to how your caregiver might have responded to you when you fell and skinned your knee or when you may have hurt yourself in any way. You are bleeding, scared, and possibly crying. Consider which of the following example best exemplifies how your caregiver would have reacted:

ATTACHMENT STYLE: (A)

When you were hurt or emotionally distressed, your caregivers may have responded inconsistently. Sometimes they were warm/nurturing and sometimes they were cold and distant. They may have been somewhat emotionally available when you needed them, but many times were also unavailable and responded to your emotional needs as if they were a nuisance. Your caregivers might have become overwhelmed themselves and may not have known how to help you.

Your caregivers might say something like… “What happened, are you ok? I don’t have time for this right now; look at you, you hurt yourself. Go tell your (other caregiver), tell them to get you a band-aid.” Or they might panic a little and say… “What happened, are you ok? Wow, you are bleeding a lot. That’s such a big cut, you must be hurt. This is scary, it’s bleeding so much; what should we do? Here, let’s try to stop the bleeding.” 

Your caregivers may have been able to identify your distress and identify how you were feeling but often were not the best in terms of helping you cope; they might have hyper-focused on how stressful the situation was. Even as a child you might have been able to notice that they were also anxious and worried about the situation and this may have caused you to feel more worried yourself.

ATTACHMENT STYLE: (B)

When you were hurt or emotionally distressed, your caregivers may have responded flatly and with minimal affection. Your caregivers were likely to be somewhat accessible when you asked for help but may have come across as unworried, rigid, and could have minimized your feelings. Your caregivers weren’t the best at attuning to your needs and may even have reacted insensitively and/or rejected your plea for help. 

Your caregivers might have said something like… “What happened, why are you crying? Are you ok? It’s fine, don’t cry. It’s just a cut, not a big deal. Let’s just get you a band-aid.” Or they may have been more dismissive and by saying something like, “What do you want me to do? I told you not to jump off the fence, that’s what happens. You better clean yourself up. Go take care of it and don’t jump off the fence anymore, I hope you learned your lesson.” 

Caregivers under this category tend to be able to identify that you have an issue but would have discouraged you from expressing emotion. They might have hyper-focused on you resolving the problem and/or figuring out how to help you fix the issue. As a child, you might have noticed that your caregivers lacked emotional responses and this may have caused you to feel like you needed to be “strong” and not a “crybaby”.  

ATTACHMENT STYLE: (C)

When you were hurt or emotionally distressed, your caregivers may have responded warmly and were emotionally available. Your caregivers seemed to be accessible when you reached out for help and they were consistent and responsive. Your caregivers were generally able to attune to your needs and more often than not knew how to comfort and soothe you effectively. 

Your caregivers might have said something like… “Oh no, you hurt yourself! Are you ok? I’m sorry, I know it hurts and it looks scary. It’s ok. Come here and let me help you.” Or they may have said, “You look so sad and you’re crying, you must be hurting. It’s ok to be sad and it’s going to be fine, let’s go get you a band-aid. Once we take care of your cut you will start to feel better” 

This type of caregiver tends to be able to identify that you are in distress and have an issue. They would have been able to acknowledge your feelings and help you figure out a solution to your problem. Your caregivers would find it easier to be affectionate and would have been able to give a hug if you needed it. As a child, you might have felt safe and comforted by your caregiver’s presence and felt capable of trying new things because you felt supported. 

ATTACHMENT STYLE: (D)

When you were hurt or emotionally distressed, your caregivers may have responded by maltreating you. Your caregivers might have come from a childhood where they were traumatized themselves. Your caregivers may have responded to your emotional needs with anger and frustration. They may have often been frightening or scary in how they reacted and many times you may have tried to hide your injuries for fear of reprimand. 

Your caregivers might have said something like… “What did you do? Come over here, are you hurt? Didn’t I tell you not to play on the bike? You are in big trouble.” Or they may say something like, “What are you crying about, let me give you something to cry about. I don’t want to hear about it. Figure it out on your own.” 

Usually, your caregivers would have been unable to identify your feelings or the issue—they would have focused more on how you caused them distress with your problem. They would have been hyper-focused on you being the problem. As a child, you may have noticed your caregivers often had intense emotional responses to very minor issues. Your caregivers’ responses may have caused you to panic when something went wrong. When in distress, you would have been overly worried, or you may have pretended that nothing happened and ignored the problem yourself. Often you ended up having to respond to your distress on your own and you responded by trying to avoid angering your caregivers. 

If you have read the Part 1 in this article series, you might recall that attachment breaks down into two main categories, Secure vs Insecure. Attachment is further broken down into the various attachment styles you are learning about in this article. There is only one attachment style that is categorized as secure. The rest of the attachment styles fall under the insecure category. You are more likely to experience higher levels of anxiety in relationships if you have an insecure attachment style.

The videos linked below are examples of how attachment styles start to develop between ages 0-3 years old. The descriptions given in this article for each attachment style will describe how attachment may look in early childhood between the ages of 3-10 years old.

ATTACHMENT STYLE (A): (INSECURE)

Named Anxious-Ambivalent or Anxious-Resistant or Anxious-Preoccupied Attachment Style

-       As a child you likely struggled with stressful situations because you had high anxiety and felt highly insecure and worried about how others perceived you.

You often coped with overwhelming experiences by:

• Becoming clingy in relationships

• Engaging in caregiving or people-pleasing

• Spending time worrying about how to “fix” the problem to make others happy 

In school you likely experienced separation anxiety from caregivers and may have experienced anxiety when having to manage friendships. You may have been perceived as a sensitive child and often felt overly responsible when things went wrong. 

ATTACHMENT STYLE (B): (INSECURE)

Named Anxious-Avoidant or Dismissive-Avoidant Attachment Style

-       As a child you likely struggled when in stressful situations because the idea of addressing some problems may have felt overwhelming. 

You often coped with overwhelming experiences by:

• Withdrawing

• Keeping to yourself

• Resisting asking for help due to strong feelings of worry or emotional distress 

You may have appeared confident to others even though you felt insecure. You may have felt dissatisfied with your relationships or emotional bonds and often found comfort and safety in your independence from others. In school, you may have displayed more aggressive behaviors or antisocial behaviors such as keeping to yourself, lying, or bullying to protect yourself from being hurt. 

ATTACHMENT STYLE (C): (SECURE)

Named Secure Attachment Style

-       As a child you were more likely to believe that people are generally kind, supportive, and helpful which means that you often found it easier to relate to others. 

You would have grown up feeling:

• Competent

• Displaying resilience

• Believing you were worthy of being respected 

In general, you were good at being able to understand the perspectives of others and had several trusting relationships and emotional bonds. In school, you likely did well and felt more comfortable asking for help and support. You were also more likely to be successful in engaging with other children during play and making friends. 

ATTACHMENT STYLE (D): (INSECURE)

Named Fearful Avoidant or Disorganized Attachment Style

-       As a child you struggled with separation anxiety when in stressful situations because you never knew how to cope effectively or were unable to express your needs. 

You may have coped with stressful experiences by:

• Displaying aggression and being disruptive

• Withdrawing

• Socially isolating

You were more likely to perceive others as having ill intentions in relationships and often believed that people were a threat to your safety instead of a source of support. In school, you may have been very quiet and reserved and might have felt misunderstood by peers, adults, and caregivers or; you may have been perceived as a “problem” child and/or you may have been told you lacked boundaries. 

Of note, personality traits will influence how you experience attachment and will affect your individual attachment style. You might find yourself relating to the anxious avoidant caregiving experience but find that you did not entirely fit the description of an anxious avoidant child. This could be due to personality; qualities such as being introverted, extroverted, sensitive, agreeable, open, etc. can influence your attachment style. A child that is shy and introverted will behave differently as an anxious avoidant than a more outgoing extroverted child would. 

Additionally, you might have grown up with caregivers who had varying attachment styles--one caregiver may have been Anxious-Avoidant and the other a Fearful-Avoidant. When this occurs, it is very likely that you may have had a “hybrid” attachment style, you may have been primarily Anxious-Avoidant in school settings and primarily Fearful-Avoidant in relationships or a combination of the two. 

It is also important to account for family members that were not primary caregivers but were consistent figures in your childhood environment (siblings, aunts, uncles, grandparents, etc.). Family members can sometimes act as “buffers” in times of distress and can affect and influence the way you develop your attachment style. You may have grown up with a Fearful-Avoidant caregiver, but your siblings may have tempered the effect of the stress responses you were exposed to. In turn, you may find yourself having a Fearful-Avoidant attachment style that manifests mildly in comparison to another individual who did not have any “buffer” family members. 

It is ok if you do not fit neatly into one specific category. As mentioned in Part 1 of the Series, attachment theory doesn’t explain all aspects of how you react and behave in relationships. Narrowing down or identifying your attachment style simply provides you with an understanding of how you respond to attachment-related anxiety and gives you a starting point towards healing attachment trauma. 

Now that you have a better understanding of your primary childhood attachment style, you may want to read up on your attachment style and learn more about it. I have provided a list of resources below to start you on your journey. 

Some basic elements to work on would be to:

• Start identifying relationship patterns in your life

• Address self-esteem issues

• Learn and identify your true emotional needs

• If you get stuck or need additional help you can always reach out to your therapist or start the process of therapy

If you still feel confused about your attachment style, you can also take the following survey designed to help you assess your childhood attachment style. SURVEY LINK

In the next article (Part 4), you will learn more about Adult Attachment Styles and how attachment can impact your romantic relationship. 

RESOURCES

1.    Attached: The New Science of Adult Attachment and How It Can Help You Find - and Keep - Love

2.    Insecure in Love: How Anxious Attachment Can Make You Feel Jealous, Needy, and Worried and What You Can Do About It

3.    The Attachment Effect: Exploring the Powerful Ways Our Earliest Bond Shapes Our Relationships and Lives

4.    Wired for Dating: How Understanding Neurobiology and Attachment Style Can Help You Find Your Ideal Mate

5.    Wired for Love: How Understanding Your Partner's Brain and Attachment Style Can Help You Defuse Conflict and Build a Secure Relationship

REFERENCES

Ackerman, C. (2020, Sept. 9). What is attachment theory? Bowlby’s 4 stages explained. Positivepsychology.https://positivepsychology.com/attachment-theory/

Gonsalves, K. (2020, June 1). What is your attachment style? Attachment Theory, Explained. Mindbodygreen. https://www.mindbodygreen.com/articles/attachment-theory-and-the-4-attachment-styles

Huang, S (2020, Nov. 3). Attachment styles. Simplypsychology. https://www.simplypsychology.org/attachment-styles.html

Wu, J. (2020, Mar. 13). Which of these four attachment styles is yours? Quickanddirtytips.https://www.quickanddirtytips.com/relationships/dating/your-attachment-style?utm_source=sciam&utm_campaign=sciam